Groundhog protest turns ugly

APRIL 25 - ANCHORAGE - An angry mob of spring-seekers gathered outside the den of the Groundhog this afternoon protesting another extension of winter. The crowd wearing thin polypropylene clothing and Bunny Boots yelled slogans, carried signs, and burned an effigy of the marmot. When neighbors complained about the noise, authorities showed up and forced the group to disband ordering the crowd to "Go back to your trainers and sweat it out."

The group identified as "BAGS & RAGS" ("Bikers Against Groundhogs & Runners Against Groundhogs") is seeking an immediate end to what they claim are bait-and-switch tactics used by the Groundhog to illegally extend winter. Today's record-late 8-inch snowfall marks the third false start of the spring recreation season. Already two sporting events scheduled for the weekend, The Heart Run and the Seward Highway Time Trial, have been postponed. Other events are in jeopardy.

"Do you know how much I spent on carbon wheels this season?" complained one protester. And today I can't even get my car out of the garage. All I wanted was dry roads."

Another pointed to her shoes; "I spent an hour on the treadmill at Skinny' just trying to get the right fit and now they're ruined. Totally slushed. He's gonna' pay!"

The group may seek a federal injunction against the marmot if the snow does not stop. "He's not even indigenous to this area yet he's messin' with our weather", said a spokesperson for the group. "He had his fun but now it has to stop."

Authorities were concerned about the other "bikers" joining the protest furthering the anger. "We've got to shut this thing down before the 'leather-and-chrome' crowd shows up. Do you know how pissed they get digging a bike out of the snow? It ain't pretty."

Spokesperson for the Groundhog had no comment.